Do you know what you did?
I know you're there. Still trying to escape.
You took control for three years, Lani, did you know that?
You've left yourself behind, can't you see that?
I do. Whenever I wear a short sleeved t-shirt, or even shorts. The self concious behaviour I exhibit whenever I want to be touched, or loved, it's you. Not me. I want to be confident, have a relationship where I can be normal, but I can't. Because of you.
You're my paranoia, Lani.
You're there when I question myself. Question my feelings. I want to love him? Can't you see that? But whenever I say the words my throat encloses and I feel scared. Vulnerable. Even though he loves me too, and would never reject me. But why, Lani, do you make me feel the way I do?
Haven't you done enough?
You're my depression, Lani.
Whenever I feel down, sad, like a failure, you're quick to pick up the pace and drag me along behind you. I thought I had rid myself of you forever, but you still make me pick up the blade until I cry. I'll never do that again Lani. I've shed enough blood and tears for a life time.
I am new.
I felt a victory, the other day, Lani.
I got my mock grades back, AAB. Something I could never have achieved when you were still there, torturing me. But the part that makes me sad? The first thing I thought wasn't, I'm going to succeed, I don't have to worry, it was, well. That's what I can do, but what will happen if you come back?
I can't have a repeat of last year.
The saddest part is you are still there.
And I am writing this,
Staring at a mirror.