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Submitted on
March 8
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Dear Lani,

I am writing to you to tell you how...

I am writing to you...

Do you know what you did?
I know you're there. Still trying to escape.

You took control for three years, Lani, did you know that?
You've left yourself behind, can't you see that?
I do. Whenever I wear a short sleeved t-shirt, or even shorts. The self concious behaviour I exhibit whenever I want to be touched, or loved, it's you. Not me. I want to be confident, have a relationship where I can be normal, but I can't. Because of you.

You're my paranoia, Lani.
You're there when I question myself. Question my feelings. I want to love him? Can't you see that? But whenever I say the words my throat encloses and I feel scared. Vulnerable. Even though he loves me too, and would never reject me. But why, Lani, do you make me feel the way I do?

Haven't you done enough?

You're my depression, Lani.
Whenever I feel down, sad, like a failure, you're quick to pick up the pace and drag me along behind you. I thought I had rid myself of you forever, but you still make me pick up the blade until I cry. I'll never do that again Lani. I've shed enough blood and tears for a life time.

I am new.

I felt a victory, the other day, Lani.
I got my mock grades back, AAB. Something I could never have achieved when you were still there, torturing me. But the part that makes me sad? The first thing I thought wasn't, I'm going to succeed, I don't have to worry, it was, well. That's what I can do, but what will happen if you come back?

I can't have a repeat of last year.

The saddest part is you are still there.
And I am writing this,
Staring at a mirror.

I hate you

Alanna.
A letter, to the girl I was. To the girl that caused me to fail my AS exams, to the girl who made me want to die.

I wanted you to know how I felt, when I looked into a mirror.

~Alanna
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:iconpokegirl3000:
Pokegirl3000 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2014  Student General Artist
Lani may not have completely gone yet, honey, but I know you can beat her down until she leaves. You're so strong, and you have so much support, and look at how great your life and prospect are not! AAB is absolutely fantastic, not to mention him, not to mentioin all your friends at school who are still backing you 100%, and not to mention all your supporters here. 
Lani won't carry on forever, Alanna. We all know that you can send her away for good one day. Hold onto the good.
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:iconsanji07:
Sanji07 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2014
Reminds me of myself when I want to get better at drawing.
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:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2014
You can do it <3
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:iconsanji07:
Sanji07 Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2014
Thanks 8'3
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:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
No problem <3 x
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:iconthe-stephy-powers:
the-stephy-powers Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This happens to all of us. I should write more....
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:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014
You should! x
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:iconflyingheartist:
FlyingHeartist Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
The amount of emotion in this is powerful. I'm glad you are on the road to getting better. It shows me that I can get there too. You are strong and powerful and say the things other people don't know how to say. You are amazing. You will get to the point where the blade has no appeal to you. I don't know if I will get there myself, but I know you will. Keep being strong. Keep being beautiful.
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:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014
Thank you so much:') xx
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:iconflyingheartist:
FlyingHeartist Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
No, I should be thanking you. You are amazing. Keep being awesome
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