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September 22, 2013
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Hide the blade
Beneath the clothes,
Run
Run to be alone
In the silence
Where only the blade remains.

Cut before you change your mind
Let the adrenaline run
You've done it
The relief is uncontrollable.

Blood, beading along the lines
You smile
Tears
They fall down your face

The pressure is gone,
But what remains is guilt

All that effort,
Wasted,
You're worthless,
To find pleasure from this pain.


You've relapsed.
Who can help you?
Your boyfriend thinks you're selfish.
Your family thinks it's attention seeking.
Your sister, your dear sweet sister,
She cares too much it would kill her.

Who can help you now?
No one.
You've relapsed.
You're alone.
So, I'm back.
But I have relapsed. Everything here is true. No exaggeration, nothing hidden.

So, Hello, I guess.

Hell has returned.

Lani, ASuicidalPoet xo
Add a Comment:
 
:iconalwasebeautiful39:
alwasebeautiful39 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I love you <3
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014
Awh! Love you too! <3
Reply
:iconsolidmars:
SolidMars Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
hi there 
on behalf of :iconliterarypublications:
your lovely work has been featured here: Literary Publications Special Feature
Reply
:iconq-e-a:
Q-E-A Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is much more than a poem. It's a deeper part of your life simply written.
No difficult structure or fancy rhyme scheme, it's just exactly what you want to say and more between the lines. I like that.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2013
Thank you so much :)
Reply
:iconrosemonkeyct:
RosemonkeyCT Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow... I don't know what to say. Sorry for you :huggle: I know how all this feels, I really do.
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013
thank you :3 x
Reply
:iconrosemonkeyct:
RosemonkeyCT Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem. I've gone over a year and a half since my last relapse, but I have come very dangerously close to it many times since. Saying it's hard doesn't even cover it. But all I've done since I stopped... 7 years ago? I think? All I've done is relapse once when things get too much. Then I've gone on without for a long time before another blip. before I "stopped" it was every day. I still have scars, very visible ones. But "doing it once" isn't the same as "starting doing it again", if that makes sense.

If you ever do break, don't punish yourself for that moment. Celebrate how long it's taken before you needed it. And make every break further away than the last. Every day you DON'T do it is a blessing, not the other way around. So be proud of every day. Even the days you do for the spaces between. I won't lie and say you'll never want to - like I said, 7 years and my brain still jumps to that as a defence mechanism. But it gets easier with time, and you get stronger.
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013
Thank you so so much xx
Reply
:iconrosemonkeyct:
RosemonkeyCT Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Any time :huggle:
Reply
:iconrouge-fox:
Rouge-Fox Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Student Writer
I am reminded of the song pain by three days grace, and perhaps that rings true here...rather feeling pain than nothing at all. It's always tragic when that's the only way you can feel something, my heart goes out to you my friend
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013
many thanks
Reply
:iconrouge-fox:
Rouge-Fox Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Student Writer
:hug: anytime
Reply
:icontdnart:
tdnart Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013
My sympathies on your relapse. However, I don't believe writing things like this would really be helpful for you personally. Then again, maybe it does help. Either way, the poem was well written
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013
writing poetry stops me self harming, it's like taking all of the darkness from my heart and pouring it onto the page.
Reply
:iconsneakysnake543:
SneakySnake543 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Student Writer
I know that this is really late, but I had lost my computer so I wasn't able to go online.   I have also recently relapsed, needless to say my father was royally pissed. Relapse is a part of recovery, and you will get better. You  have so much  strength, you have this DeviantART that you use to help others. Lani, I have absolutely no right to go and say "You're not allowed to do this anymore, Stop"  because that is a terrible thing to say  and only an idiot would have the stones to say it.... sorry for writing something so long... Anyways, I'll finish up.  Like I said I have absolutely no right to say that terrible thing ( I totally don't mean the meanie thing anyways ) but I do that the right to say that you are loved by people that live continents away from you,  we all support you, and will be here every step of the way towards your recovery.    
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013
Thank you so much... I just wish I was loved by the person I love. But he left me :P x
Reply
:iconsneakysnake543:
SneakySnake543 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Student Writer
I am so sorry to hear he left you :'( . I'm sure I have no right to say this but maybe his soul wasn't as compatible with yours as it seemed, but I could be totally wrong.  I just hope he realizes what an amazing person he lost. ... ( wow that sounded sorta creepy-ish ) I'm totally NOT a creeper, besides those things are square and green I'm not. :)
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013
Haha thank you so much, I hope he realises that too... except im not that amazing :P xx
Reply
:iconsneakysnake543:
SneakySnake543 Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Student Writer
I think that everybody thinks that they are not all that amazing, but everybody has quality's and talents that make them amazing.   
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013
Exactly!
Reply
:icondanibreen:
danibreen Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Relapsing can be even more painful than cutting in the first place. I know it sucks because you finally for just a few seconds gave your self releaf but yet you caused so much more pain for your loved ones which in return put more stress and pain on you. I did the same thing, i lasted for 6 monthes with out it and than started again because the stress of life got to hard to handle. I'm sorry to hear your having a bad time but remember along with your sister adn boyfriend you have all of us here on DA to give you support and help you in anyway we can.
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013
thank you so much xox
Reply
:icondanibreen:
danibreen Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
any time hun. I know how much just a few short words can help big time beyond words Heart Hug
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013
agreed xo
Reply
:icondanibreen:
danibreen Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:) (Smile) 
Reply
:iconsomniavii:
Somniavii Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I haven't relapsed in a while, but I know what it's like when you really want to. I really hope you get to feeling better soon. :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013
thank you so much <3 xxx
Reply
:iconsomniavii:
Somniavii Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. <3<3<3
Reply
:iconpokegirl3000:
Pokegirl3000 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm going to find you tomorrow and you're getting a long hug to last a whole break time. I'm going to stand by your side through all of this, Lani. Even though we're not the closest of buddies, I will always be here for you if you need to talk and vent and let everything out without causing yourself pain.
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013
thanks xoxoxo
Reply
:iconsteampunkalpaca:
steampunkalpaca Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
In this situation right now.
...I'm sorry. It's been like this for too long. Telling myself I'm okay, throwing my blades as far into the woods as I can...
And then buying new ones.
Selfish, indeed. I swear they don't even try to understand. That is, except the people who are almost as close to the edge as you.
*hugs*
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013
I know exactly how you feel xo*hug back* x
Reply
:iconsharpiepower41:
SharpiePower41 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm trying not to relapse right now actually...its a lot harder than most people understand...
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013
*hug* xxx
Reply
:iconthe-pink-bunny262:
The-Pink-Bunny262 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Student General Artist
haha my boyfriend thought the same thing. He always called me selfish. He just... i dont know. I don't know anything.
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
I know exactly how you feel. He still hasnt taken anything back xo
Reply
:iconthe-pink-bunny262:
The-Pink-Bunny262 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Student General Artist
It's good to know I'm not alone on this. He was a pretty big jerk to me. Instead of helping me get better he just kinda made it worse. 
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013
the sad thing is that my love has helped me so much in the past. x
Reply
:iconthe-pink-bunny262:
The-Pink-Bunny262 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013  Student General Artist
awwww are you still with that person? 
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2013
yes, I am :)
Reply
:iconthe-pink-bunny262:
The-Pink-Bunny262 Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013  Student General Artist
That. Is.Fluffing.Adorable.

i want to find my significant other. *sighs* 
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013
You will do xo
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconkmills95:
kmills95 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww :( I'm sorry. I relapsed about a week ago, too. :huggle:
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
I slit my wrist... Managed to miss the main veins though
Reply
:iconkmills95:
kmills95 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:( Wow i'm sorry.

:tighthug:
Reply
:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013
It's alright xx
Reply
:iconsammyxfreak:
sammyxfreak Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Do you love your sister a lot, think about her and how she would feel. read these: sammyxfreak.deviantart.com/art…

sammyxfreak.deviantart.com/art…

I hope you keep fighting it. Things will be better eventually, but you just have to have hope that they. you are in a hole so deep, that you can't see light, but just know that it is there and you will one day be in. cutting makes it worst, trust me on that. what got me to stop in when I was with my little brother and he looked at my arms that were covered with deep marks, because I used to use a knife instead of a raiser, and he started crying and asked me what happened, why was sissy hurt. it put things in perspective.

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:iconaoncesuicidalpoet:
AOnceSuicidalPoet Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
thank you xx
Reply
:iconsu1cidalnightmare:
Su1cidalNightmare Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
sound like me tbh i hope we both overcome this Heart 
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